I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
A bitchslap is in order.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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