I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
