she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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