I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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