I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
