Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
