Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
