She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
