kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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