google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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