Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
