At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
