So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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