Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
