wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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