STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
