Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
