I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I want a musical about memes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
