Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
