Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's shark week go big or go home
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