we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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