Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
