At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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