i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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