my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
