he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
