I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
