ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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