I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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