I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
