I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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