She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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