If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
