dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
