You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
