This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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