I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
