I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
