i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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