What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
