I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
