The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
