when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
