Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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