I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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