Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize