Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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