remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
