she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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