so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize