the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
