is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.