Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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