Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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