he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
