I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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