Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
PANTIES FOUND
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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