just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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