Sponge bath it is.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
