yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
