The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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