You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
