tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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