I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
